- November 13th, 2009
I should probably do this right since I finally have the chance.
While I was going through the last blowup with my mother which led to my departure, I met my ex boyfriend Denis.
He was russian, charming and sweet though not immediately attractive to me.
I loved him because he took care of me listened to me and actually supported me through what I was going through, I was attracted to him because he took his time, didint pressure me, and cared about how something made me feel.
I began to get very used to the idea that my search for the right guy had ended.
However this was not the case....he went from supportive to slightly insulting, instead of I understand you its, you are causing yourself to feel this way, just stop feeling that way.
I was looking for a room after I had made it very clear I was not going to move in with him, and he asks me "where am I in this?"
He would look for apartments for us to move in together after I told him over and over I didnt feel comfortable moving in with him at that point in our relationship, he would control situations, pick up the phone when my friends called me, and generally act like a controlling and possessive husband.
It got old, but other than this he could not decide whether he was celibate or abstinent. It could not be agreed upon whether he could kiss me or not, or touch me or not and it wore on my nerves until I trained myself to not want any of it.
Then I stopped being attracted to him, and this was on top of feeling trapped.
At the height of this I met Beck; who I spoke of in an earlier post.
We met at the beginning of the semester. This was when I was feeling unwanted and like I wanted to feel desirable sexually, he appeared, like a demon out of the nothingness, he was just chillin on the bridge with the rest of my friends and it was literally the first time i had ever laid eyes on him.
It took him about a minute or two to ask for my number,
10 more minutes to invite me to eat;
and it didnt take too much time after that for us
to be making out in public in a hale and hearty,
after he told me about his trip to europe,
his nocturanal visit to the pantheon,
and about his experiences in the vatican, spain and about seeing versailles.
I conveniently forgot to tell him I was taken,
after he told me about his ex of 7 years,
after I told him about Fernando,
after he explained he was polyamorous
and maintained vociferously that he wasnt
a possesive kind of guy.
2 days later my ex Denis surprised me with what must have been about 100 to 200 dollars worth of victoria's secret.
We hung out on his rooftop and I remembered why he meant as much as he did to me, and I felt violently sick and guilty that I had done anything to betray him.
I proceeded to tell Beck the next time I saw him who by the way had not called me that weekend,
that I was taken,
that I had been for 3 months by that point,
and yes it was an ugly ommission
that was obviously made on purpose.
He responded, "Are you going to tell him?" at which I violently responded no....
he laughed loudly at that one.
We agreed to leave it alone, afterwards we would talk sometimes on the phone or other times on aim, a conversation typically went...
so...hows your boyfriend, and yeah, life is short we tend to forget that because we are young, I've wasted alot of time in an unhappy relationship etc etc...
My ex literally crossed the point of no return; when while I was suffering at the hands of roommates, one a thief the other a loudmouth hoodrat who had ocd like nobody's business, and the organization itself, I finally found a room.
He agreed to leave the deposit, and that I could withdraw the money and give it to him as soon as possible, I couldnt do it directly because i literally had no time btw 2 jobs and school, and he simply hadnt even called the man, and lied to me and said that he did.
I lost my trust in him, at that point, I began to feel nothing and I started wondering more and more about Beck.
Cut to a few weeks later and me and Beck have hung out all of 3 times. Since I met him. He asks me to go down on him on a street corner, then I tell him no. This is after I have explained to him that I would take time ( since it was obvious from our first 2 meetings that he was operating like roadrunner) to progress physically and giving me a little time would be best. I was also aware that he was dating other people and I figured that since that is what he was doing that a. he should get tested before I do something like that and regularly thereafter and b. it shouldnt have been a big deal if i said no since I was not the only person he was dating and we had not agreed on being monogamous; therefore he had other options.
Two days later he facebooks me on their chat im window that we wont work out romatically.
When I asked him why he tells me our kinks dont match up,
even though he doesnt even know me well enough to know that,
he says he shouldnt have started something so soon after my breakup which seems reasonable
until when we are on the phone he follows it up with
im not ready for a serious relationship right now and i can only see you getting hurt in the long run.
I had told him long before hand that at one point down the road I wouldnt mind a relationship, but right now all I wanted was a good time and to not be pressured into anything I didnt want to do.
So none of it made sense, and what made matters worse was the fact that he waited for me all that night on aim, and possibly the following night, I wouldnt know because I didnt dare turn on my computer.
I recently learned he has two aim names, one for me, and one for everyone else...
which explained why I only ever saw him online when we agreed before hand to talk on aim or well he was up to something, such as when I would say goodbye on the phone and he would want to continue things...
and there he is waiting for me,
and it all feels like deja vu...because everything down to the things he said down to the way he seems to want to continue shit afterwards looks like my ex Fernando's behavior.
It all looks like an effort to mindfuck me into giving him what he wants, which confuses the living shit out of me because noone said that eventually he wouldnt get what he wanted.
But it appears more than anything else that he doesnt want to waste time attaining it and risk getting attached along the way.
Because after all, after that "7 year relationship in which he lived with her" and all "the ghosts in his head" he cannot bear to even inch a toe over that line line that could bring him closer to anyone, so he will mindfuck people instead.
So you see ladies and gentlemen, another asshole is revealed, another dissappointment is undergone and I must continue yet again in search of, not the one, because at this point that just sounds like a children's fairy tale, but someone halfway passible enough to fuck.
In the meantime, I bought two sex toys, one is called the rabbit, that was for 40 bucks and the other was for 140 dollars because it is rechargeable and has memory settings.