(no subject)
You creep up like so much mist,
and unravel me slowly.
I cant see you but I can feel you.
It is a lethargic slow unraveling.
It is not unlike water,
soundless and creeping
like vines.
Like ivy.
You can wind, unravel and unfurl.
I cant see you, but I can feel you.
It is soundless and patient,
operating outside of time yet within it.
It is unnerving,
leaving me wary and cautious.
I am running from something so simple
as a whisper in my ear.
I cant hear you but I feel you.
Your a wave keeping time with my heartbeat,
fatalistic in its rhythm.
There is a slow creeping.
You are drops of water on stone
that hollow me out,
then fill me.
There is a pulse in my veins which you follow and keep time with.
You are unhurried,
and perfectly aligned with its rhythm.
my pulse is erratic,
uncertain and frantic
beneath my skin.
Unravel me slowly.
As if by untying a single knot
You can.
Pull me apart.
There you will find me with your gaze.
As usual it will be quiet and probing.
It will be felt,
though not seen.

Devious Journal Entry

I will never learn....

Will I?

Never Ever Date a Photographer

Looks at him longingly....

(no subject)
I should probably do this right since I finally have the chance.

While I was going through the last blowup with my mother which led to my departure, I met my ex boyfriend Denis.

He was russian, charming and sweet though not immediately attractive to me.
I loved him because he took care of me listened to me and actually supported me through what I was going through, I was attracted to him because he took his time, didint pressure me, and cared about how something made me feel.
I began to get very used to the idea that my search for the right guy had ended.
However this was not the case....he went from supportive to slightly insulting, instead of I understand you its, you are causing yourself to feel this way, just stop feeling that way.

I was looking for a room after I had made it very clear I was not going to move in with him, and he asks me "where am I in this?"
He would look for apartments for us to move in together after I told him over and over I didnt feel comfortable moving in with him at that point in our relationship, he would control situations, pick up the phone when my friends called me, and generally act like a controlling and possessive husband.

It got old, but other than this he could not decide whether he was celibate or abstinent. It could not be agreed upon whether he could kiss me or not, or touch me or not and it wore on my nerves until I trained myself to not want any of it.
Then I stopped being attracted to him, and this was on top of feeling trapped.

At the height of this I met Beck; who I spoke of in an earlier post.

We met at the beginning of the semester. This was when I was feeling unwanted and like I wanted to feel desirable sexually, he appeared, like a demon out of the nothingness, he was just chillin on the bridge with the rest of my friends and it was literally the first time i had ever laid eyes on him.

It took him about a minute or two to ask for my number,
10 more minutes to invite me to eat;
and it didnt take too much time after that for us
to be making out in public in a hale and hearty,
after he told me about his trip to europe,
his nocturanal visit to the pantheon,
and about his experiences in the vatican, spain and about seeing versailles.

I conveniently forgot to tell him I was taken,
after he told me about his ex of 7 years,
after I told him about Fernando,
after he explained he was polyamorous
and maintained vociferously that he wasnt
a possesive kind of guy.

2 days later my ex Denis surprised me with what must have been about 100 to 200 dollars worth of victoria's secret.
We hung out on his rooftop and I remembered why he meant as much as he did to me, and I felt violently sick and guilty that I had done anything to betray him.
I proceeded to tell Beck the next time I saw him who by the way had not called me that weekend,
that I was taken,
that I had been for 3 months by that point,
and yes it was an ugly ommission
that was obviously made on purpose.
He responded, "Are you going to tell him?" at which I violently responded no....
he laughed loudly at that one.

We agreed to leave it alone, afterwards we would talk sometimes on the phone or other times on aim, a conversation typically went...


beck's response,

so...hows your boyfriend, and yeah, life is short we tend to forget that because we are young, I've wasted alot of time in an unhappy relationship etc etc...

My ex literally crossed the point of no return; when while I was suffering at the hands of roommates, one a thief the other a loudmouth hoodrat who had ocd like nobody's business, and the organization itself, I finally found a room.
He agreed to leave the deposit, and that I could withdraw the money and give it to him as soon as possible, I couldnt do it directly because i literally had no time btw 2 jobs and school, and he simply hadnt even called the man, and lied to me and said that he did.

I lost my trust in him, at that point, I began to feel nothing and I started wondering more and more about Beck.

Cut to a few weeks later and me and Beck have hung out all of 3 times. Since I met him. He asks me to go down on him on a street corner, then I tell him no. This is after I have explained to him that I would take time ( since it was obvious from our first 2 meetings that he was operating like roadrunner) to progress physically and giving me a little time would be best. I was also aware that he was dating other people and I figured that since that is what he was doing that a. he should get tested before I do something like that and regularly thereafter and b. it shouldnt have been a big deal if i said no since I was not the only person he was dating and we had not agreed on being monogamous; therefore he had other options.

Two days later he facebooks me on their chat im window that we wont work out romatically.
When I asked him why he tells me our kinks dont match up,
even though he doesnt even know me well enough to know that,
he says he shouldnt have started something so soon after my breakup which seems reasonable
until when we are on the phone he follows it up with
im not ready for a serious relationship right now and i can only see you getting hurt in the long run.

I had told him long before hand that at one point down the road I wouldnt mind a relationship, but right now all I wanted was a good time and to not be pressured into anything I didnt want to do.

So none of it made sense, and what made matters worse was the fact that he waited for me all that night on aim, and possibly the following night, I wouldnt know because I didnt dare turn on my computer.

I recently learned he has two aim names, one for me, and one for everyone else...
which explained why I only ever saw him online when we agreed before hand to talk on aim or well he was up to something, such as when I would say goodbye on the phone and he would want to continue things...

and there he is waiting for me,
and it all feels like deja vu...because everything down to the things he said down to the way he seems to want to continue shit afterwards looks like my ex Fernando's behavior.

It all looks like an effort to mindfuck me into giving him what he wants, which confuses the living shit out of me because noone said that eventually he wouldnt get what he wanted.
But it appears more than anything else that he doesnt want to waste time attaining it and risk getting attached along the way.
Because after all, after that "7 year relationship in which he lived with her" and all "the ghosts in his head" he cannot bear to even inch a toe over that line line that could bring him closer to anyone, so he will mindfuck people instead.

So you see ladies and gentlemen, another asshole is revealed, another dissappointment is undergone and I must continue yet again in search of, not the one, because at this point that just sounds like a children's fairy tale, but someone halfway passible enough to fuck.

In the meantime, I bought two sex toys, one is called the rabbit, that was for 40 bucks and the other was for 140 dollars because it is rechargeable and has memory settings.

- Fin

(no subject)

Come out of the garden baby youll catch your death in the fog,
In the year of the scavenger, season of the bitch...

His name is Beck.
Im a fool.

And here we go, same old, same old....

(no subject)
im  in love AGAAAAAAAAIN...

Im a dumb one alas...

I never learn...

Well folks, at least I can enjoy the ride,,,^^

and I mean that in every sense ;)

(no subject)

How fitting. LJ fucks me over and loses all my fancy linguistic fretwork.

So I present you picture with no words because im lazy and will not rewrite this shit.

hmmm simple phrasee which are not time consuming...

The picture indicates new piece of ass.

New piece of ass is difficult.

Moody and wants things his own way...

in other words


ex bf is psycho

i am upset whining and crying again because why do they start out good and end up a problem

or start off a problem and end upm a problem etc...

i can read and am edjumucated...

so i will come back and do this right...

but for


just look at the picture....;)

(no subject)

I have rented out  a room.

And Im going to promise myself I will stop worrying.

I am now a Hunter English Tutor and Victora's Secret associate.

I have at least two understanding teachers, not to mention a crapload of letters explaining my situation, I have another one who might be as well and Im going to drop the other two classes.

Im going to reapply for foodstamps so at least I wont have to worry over food, save up and be careful.

I think I finally have the right paperowrk for section 8 so I will be resubmitting the paperwork shortly, and hopefully this time it takes.

If it does, I wont have any reall worries left and my only true focus will be what it should be, school.
Ive decided also that im going to focus on making sure the section 8 goes through and not run everywehere and go nuts so that my short term advantage can work.
It doesnt really cover a decent amount of rent thats why its so hard to find anything that it will actually cover.

Im just going to focus on school and getting my paper work through for now.

And also writing and modeling hopefully sometime in the near future.

I have some freedom now, i can invite ppl over if i want.

i can go out and stay out if i want.

I can even sleep over somewhere else if I  want.

Im actualluy starting to get happy about how things are working out.

I feel safe finally. Even happy.

Im going to co author a book with a friend of mine named Marina, we are both anne rice nerds! lol

And ill take more pictures, and those bitches I used to live with can eat their own shit for all I care, they have been sipping on that hatorade and they can continue. You see I left. And their gift as it were is that they still remain. Enjoy ; )

Ive been through alot this year, but Im starting to feel like I will actually come out alive.

Ive been teetering and pumping the gas and digging my heels in, but now I think Im finally ready to drive.

Im not really sure about my bf right now, and there was a time that this would take all of my attention, but it doesnt.
I barely think about my ex Fernando anymore, he is like a distant ghost a shodow of the way things were, I realize I was holding onto the idea that some outside force could someday make me happy.
But I realize now that nothing but nothing has made me happier than my freedom, the feeling that im loved and cared for by those who have come to know me and yes well God. I feel like Im not really alone. I feel that just because I ran away from home and my mother doesnt mean that im no where near any kind of safety net.

I feel like I am being taken care of just fine and I am happy knowing this. It is becoming clear to me that if I make it through this semester and successfully meet my goals, I wont truly depend on other ppl for anything but the pleasure of their company, I will not feel like I am less than, Like I am lacking, I will know that I can take care of myself and that i can continue, and hopefully meet my goals.

Maybe someday Ill work in Domestic Violence, and show them how it should b done. I have learned and I have grown so much and I hope to continue to. I have grown to identify with something Lisette said in a post.
Im a woman now, Ive grown up.

Yo tambien mi  hermana, yo tambien.

i want to get to the end already
the part where I'm free.
where I'm in my own apartment already

I have the paperwork i need finally for section 8 (plus)

I'm just waiting for the advocacy letter, my case worker wants to sit on it and not write it until i sit in front of her and fidget and stare and pull my hair and feel her stare right through me in the indifference i know she holds for me
I wish I didn't need her

I have financial aid ( plus)
but it gets disbursed at certain dates so its not money that just falls into my hands whenever i need it

I'm getting about 20,000 this year in financial aid (plus)

but I
I'm going to have to pay 12,500 of that back at one point with interest

section8 gets processed in 3 to 4 months if you have successfully processed it as domestic violence priority one, and then you can practically live anywhere you want in the city and pay next to nothing (plus)

however the operative word is if it gets processed successfully, it should be as far as I know (plus)

but there are some loose ends I have to tie, and any way i look at it i will have to leave the place where i stay before it finishes getting processed

so I have work advantage which I'm automatically eligible for, it covers 4 months of rent, broker's fee and security and it can hold me over till sec 8 comes through, however if it does not, I'm stuck paying it once the 4 months are up.

I have a new tutoring job at hunter (plus)

but its 10 dollars an hour and 10 hours a wk, which cant really replace Pathmark.

So if i don't get section 8 and i don't want to spend loans up the ass i am stuck renting a room and risking homelessness every time me and roommates don't get along

I got an interview with Victoria's secret the day before yesterday which went unusually well(plus)

I also had a good interview with Starbucks which didn't turn out so well in the long run.

There are also the store goals( opening credit cards, selling x amount of bras etc.) that if not met may mean I may not end up staying with the company for very long.

I am also worried about my references and if that will turn out O.k.

So much anxiety it seems anything can go in any direction and I'm just racing to the end where and when i can finally......breathe......easier....

Im gonna rain on your parade

Anyone who thought I couldnt do it
That I wasnt capable
That I wouldnt amount to very much
That I had to suffer because that was my birthright.
Not freedom, love, life and beauty
Im sorry to tell you that we all deserve these and so do you.
Yes you do too.
Im sorry to rain on your parade,
But it can be done.
It can be felt/realized/accomplished.

(no subject)
so im living in a domestic violence shelter

woo me

and i filed independent for financial aid
hopefully that works out

im gonna get some help w/ housing

im gonna get help w/ pa

and i need to buy a wallet and stuff it in my panties so ppl can stop stealing from me in the shelter.
way to go me.

caan someone tell me everything will be ok?


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